Moments of Clarity

Normally I would be in bed fast asleep by this hour (11:30 pm) so I am rested for my work day. Let me tell you about the series of events that has led me type a blog entry late at night.

I had to work today, which was fine and the only notable thing about it was that it was Sunday and I felt a little resentful that I didn’t have two days off in a row. At work, it was cold, but I was prepared for cold. However, I was set to work inside labeling plants; a cushy job considering the weather outside. Even better, I realized that I could listen to my ipod because the Nazi boss wasn’t there. I had just loaded a new story onto my ipod, so it was going to be a good day. One hour in, the battery goes dead. (This has been happening more frequently since the ipod is about 4-5 years old now.) Sigh. Still, things are not so bad I think as I listen to the rain pound on the plastic above. At least I am warm and dry.

This state of being lasts until after lunch when we are sent outside to close all the greenhouses and cover all the plants because it is going to snow tomorrow. I have my rain jacket and I know as long as I can keep my body core warm, I will be all right. The wind is blowing terribly and we have to close the sides of the green house. This is not an easy task in good weather and with the wind the job requires two people. One to hold the plastic and another to push the metal twisty wire in the bottom of the frame. It is too complicated to explain how that works, but it requires dexterity. I am the one nominated to be dexterous and I get my first nasty shock, well 2nd (first was the shower when I unrolled the plastic in the first place). As I am squatting to shove the wire in place, I realize that water is dripping from my rain coat down into the back of my plants. I laugh this off, because most of me is still dry. My companion, holding the plastic in place is complaining bitterly about how this should have been done yesterday when the weather was better. I try not to listen because, as always, I know that it does not matter what should have been done, only what has to be done. Fast forward 1 ½ - 2 hrs. My rain jacket has done a marvelous job keeping the top half of me dry, but that is the only claim to comfort I have. My legs are soaked and numb. My under wear is even soaked and I mean dripping wet. My waterproof boots are doing a marvelous job being impervious to water. They are keeping all the water that has run down my legs and soaked into my socks from escaping back to where it belongs. I squelch when I walk. My hands are numb and barely functioning. As I put the wired for the last greenhouse in place I too am mentally cursing the person who was too lazy to do it yesterday. This is the first moment of clarity of the day.

At that point, I realized that this work was beneath me. I am better than this. Many of you are probably thinking, “Duh!” But first I have to explain some of my personal philosophy. I have always believed that no one is better than another person. Everyone is equal. Different yes, but not better. This has outlook has led to some interesting dating adventures and has allowed me to always be a hard worker no matter how menial the labor. By looking at the job I was doing and saying I was better than this job, the unspoken implication is that there is someone who is not better than this job. There is someone who should be doing this job instead of me. This train of thought has completely derailed my idea that everyone is equal. I am a little lost now on how I feel about equality.

As I finished up the work day and headed to clock out, two separate people made the same joke about having had a shower. This first person I just pretended not to hear. The second person, I think I scared. I said in response, “You know I guess that is pretty funny from where you are standing, but it is not actually funny from my point of view.” He was startled and then apologized. I smoothed things over by threatening to beat him with my soaking wet socks so he could have a ‘shower’ to. But I also had my second moment of clarity then. I am always ready to make things a little more bearable with a joke and the worse off things get, the more jokes I tend to make….up to a certain point. After that point, things just aren’t funny. I have a pretty high tolerance for discomfort, but I can only imagine what my jokes might be like for those with less tolerance. I doubt these realizations will change my joking habits, but it was a new experience for me to be so miserable that a joke just pissed me off.

After work, I did not tell my roommate anything about my day. Normally I would have told of my adventures in a joking manner, even reenacting the ice cold water down the back of the pants bit. This day I couldn’t. I was still so miserable and cold that if I talked about it, I was likely to quit. Instead, I didn’t mention anything, just did my best to get warm and fed. I was still cold despite everything and decided to curl up in bed and do some editing. Instead I curled up in bed, turned the lights out and stared at the ceiling for an hour or two. I was too tired to do anything and that is rare for me. At the very least, I will crochet. At the best I will write a story or work on a drawing. I never, ever do absolutely nothing. I started to fall asleep about 10, my normal bed time, but didn’t stay asleep. Now my hands were aching from getting so cold, my internal thermostat was off. Under the covers I was roasting, out I was freezing. During these hours of …rest, for lack of a better word, I had several more clarifying moments. I shouldn’t be endangering my health for a lousy 8$ an hour. So many things that I had counted on receiving from this job are just not present. When I come home, I am so tired many days that I can’t do the things that I really want. I know that I should quit this job, but I would rather be fired than quit. I know that seems counter intuitive, but I don’t like the idea of quitting because some part of me is calling myself a wimp because I can’t hack the work. So to quit or not to quit? That is the question that has been rattling around in my head for hours.

To continually remind me of the day, there is a horrific storm blowing about. I like storms, but this is bad. I am honestly waiting for a piece of the roof to blow away. All I can think about is going back to work tomorrow (in boots borrowed from Wes, since mine won’t dry for a week) and facing all those soaking wet cover clothes. I also have a feeling that we are going to get yelled at for something not being done correctly in the mad scramble. I hope that it snows so I can call in and say that I am not going to brave the dangerous traffic.

I know that this has been a long blog, but I also want to add that one of the reasons that I wanted to work at MD’s in the greenhouses, was to explore the option of opening my own greenhouse or raising some kind of plant as a way of earning a living. These two weeks have taught me that I am not cut out for that kind of work. I just don’t care that much. Just one more door closed.

So what do you think? Quit or tough it out until something better comes along?